Octogenerian moon dweller Man on the Moon, beloved of the 2015 John Lewis Christmas ad, is to become redundant as part of the latest wave of cuts made by the retailer.

The news was conveyed to him via a giant display screen reading ‘sorry, you have been downsized’, visible from the moon via a telescope which the Man on the Moon is known to have in his possession. In order to ease the blow the notice was accompanied by the sounds of Lily Allen performing ambient piano versions of songs from Pink Floyd’s 1973 masterpiece The Dark Side of the Moon.

The loss is one of several redundancies of outlandish cartoon characters used by the store including Edgar the Dragon, Monty the Penguin, Moz the Monster and Elton John.

Star of the 2019 Christmas ad, ‘excitible’ Edgar the Dragon, told us: ‘Life after John Lewis has been hard for us festive mascots. Some have turned to reviving their most popular ads on street corners for £5 a time, while by all accounts Mr and Mrs Snowman have hit the bottle in a big way.’

He added: ‘The irony has not escaped me that while my unique eccentricity is my ability to produce fire at inappropriate moments, it is now myself who is ‘fired’.’

In a press release the Department Store said: ‘Due to changes in the way people shop exacerbated by the additional pressure of Covid, the John Lewis brand has been struggling for some time, and sadly there just isn’t enough cash to go round to support these lovable characters indefinitely. We thank them for the joy they have brought us each yuletide, wish them well in their retirement and assure them that they will still qualify for 10% off all products bought in-store, subject to terms and conditions.’

A woman in Westminster has been confirmed as the latest victim of the Boris Virus, a condition which leaves female victims with a swollen abdomen and nausea for a period of approximately nine months. Its chief carrier is known to be largely dormant outside of election periods though the public are warned that exposure can cause immediate vomiting, depression, and even violent episodes.

The exact number of victims has thus far been kept secret by government officials. However, past victims have been said to have received generous financial packages from the Prime Minister to make the problem go away.

The virus was thought to originate in New York, before travelling to London via Eton, then working its way through the Spectator offices and Westminster. Those with narrow gene pools are thought particularly susceptible, though all women of breeding age have been told to be ‘on their guard’, especially during periods of political campaigning across the country. The virus spreads exclusively man-to-woman, bar the Eton period, and is nurtured by vague promises of fidelity, though is more fertile outside of monogamous relationships.

The rest of Europe has declared itself Boris-free after the UK entered self-isolation, with the transport of goods and services expected to soon grind to a standstill entirely. The public have been told that feeling unwell may just be the effect of watching too much recent Brexit coverage, though the only way to ensure complete protection from Boris is to wash their hands of the Conservatives entirely.

In a break from a 2000-year-long run, son of God, Jesus, will for the first time not feature in this year’s festivities and TV listings.

Speculation was high among followers that this Yuletide the carpentry wizard would transfigure into the so-called ‘War Messiah’ predicted by some evangelicals and Jehovah’s Witnesses. However, executive emissary to the Lord, Chris Chibnall, assured fans that though Jesus will be absent from Christmas day sermons, he will be back for a special hour-long sermon on New Year’s Day to once again inspire and terrify children in equal measure across the globe. On Christmas day, services will instead feature compilations of classic Morecambe and Wise parables mixed with hymns devoted to the worship of Felicity Kendall.

The popular time-travelling hero first appeared in 1AD, initially in a series of educational historical stories, though his ever more fantastical adventures soon grew a cult following, with many of it’s adherents attending weekly conventions to discuss their favourite stories, such as when he threw the money lenders out of the temple, proclaimed himself the prophesied Jewish messiah, and reunited with previous incarnations of himself to destroy the Dalek fleet in the Gallifrey time war. The character is today known and loved worldwide for his eccentric dress, bumbling companions, and possession of a bread basket which is bigger on the inside.

Though gospel-writers have promised the new verses will be ‘his most exciting yet’, some devotees have complained that recent stories have lacked plot twists and relied on too much mawkish sentiment and politically correct gesturing, with the Devil, the Levites and popular nemesis Judas all noticeable by their absence. Others have criticised their continuity, with characters seemingly coming back from the dead with regularity. One scribe told us: ‘It’s a lot of pressure coming up with a whole new set of verses every year with ever more colourful villains and situations, but we want to reassure the fans that with all the changes we will still feature classic villains and running up and down temples.’

He added: ‘It used to be that Christmas day services would guarantee audiences of up to 20 million, though we have to recognise that many people now choose to skip services on the day and access catch-up sermons at a more convenient time, that way they can focus on the true meaning of Christmas – watching TV.’

 

Just days away from what was traditionally its busiest day of the year, the Guy Fawkes effigy industry has finally collapsed after years of steady decline. All remaining effigy production stations on street corners have closed with immediate effect, with hundreds of 10 year-old street urchins laid off.

Despite attempts at buy-outs by foreign effigy firms, it is thought the collapse was due to an unrealistic pricing structure, which completely failed to take account of inflation.

Economist James Hampton told us: “I’ve looked through the figures and I have to agree that the fault clearly lies at the pricing level. Frankly, a ‘penny for the Guy’ barely covers the raw materials of the effigy. By the time you’ve factored in the wooden trolley, you’re actually making a loss.”

“The tragic thing is that there is still a market need for life-size cloth dolls of Catholic terrorists from the 16th Century. However, taking account of production and marketing costs, a more realistic proposition would have been about £12.30 for the Guy, or in euros, €12.30.”

The collapse comes at a time when foreign effigy manufactures have been taking increasing orders for effigies of presidents, prime ministers, book authors and cartoonists, while Apple has recently launched the iGuy, and self-combusting re-usable electronic effigy which can be connected to the iCloud to mutter heresy as it is consumed by the flames.

The effigy workforce are today looking for work in industries with similar skill sets, such as working in Build-a-Bear Workshops, sewing together giant bean bags and producing dummies used for bayonet practice. Meanwhile, thousands of unbought Guy Fawkes’ now make up an ‘effigy mountain’ in the midlands, and are likely to remain there until someone can think of a way of destroying them.

Harry Potter author JK Rowling has received criticism online after referring to those with magical abilities as ‘wizards’.

The author wrote in response to an article at the weekend about ‘people who do magic’, tweeting: ‘I’m sure there used to be a word for those people.  Someone help me out.  Wizzbang? Wizzer? Wizzpop?’

The tweet inflamed many who proudly identify themselves as ‘mud-blood’ – a person of both magical and non-magical heritage, who described Rowling’s comments as ‘deeply offensive’ and ‘mud-bloodist’, arguing that ‘not all people with magical abilities are exclusively wizard.’

In a response to the criticisms, the author claims she merely shared others’ concerns over protecting exclusively magic spaces such as enchanted castles and schools, haunted houses, spooky joke shops and train platforms inside walls.  She wrote: ‘Many of these places are invisible for a reason.  A muggle entering a magical changing-room could cause alarm for a lot of wizards and witches. It used to be accepted that trans-magic folk would live their lives as either wizard or muggle.  Now people are confusing things with endless new identifications on top of their place on the good/evil spectrum and which species of ghost, wraith or poltergeist they are.’

She added: ‘All wizards have a right to feel safe, even if they go to a school in which many students die every year.’

The Government has announced its lockdown-easing programme for the next few months, which will involve a gradual return of normal services and businesses, with the majority of roles fulfilled by The One Show’s Alex Jones.

The Welsh temptress will undertake responsibilities in both the public and private sector, including the driving of buses and trains, building site labouring, food delivery, marine engineering, clinical psychology and casual metaphysics lecturing, while maintaining her 5 day-a-week residency on popular teatime magazine show. The commissioning of Jones comes after doctors deemed her ‘practically immortal’.

The BBC has stated that in case of scheduling issues, Michael Ball will be made available to perform essential heart surgery, though the programme itself will maintain its usual mix of lightweight celebrity interviews, snidey consumer report and indigenous wildlife bothering. Due to the heavy demands on the show during the pandemic, the BBC will also be easing restrictions on Giles Brandreth.

However, the plans have been deemed subject to change after Jones recently completed work on developing a vaccine for the Covid-19 virus, thus saving millions of lives, before returning to the One Show sofa in time to introduce a film about the history of the egg-and-spoon race.

The BBC has stated that the crisis caused by the coronavirus outbreak will not cause a reduction in Mrs Brown’s Boys repeats currently scheduled for the rest of the summer.

Programming will feature either repeats of the unfunny sitcom, or new material in which Brendan O’Caroll’s matriarch recites the shows catchphrases to an audience of empty chairs. This follows a long list of shows announcing changes to their format because of the virus, including Eastenders, in which characters will now brawl entirely via Skype, and Still Open All Hours, which will have a complete name change, while The Mash Report, set to return in a non-studio format, has been told to keep its punchlines even further apart.

The Irish actor was recently categorised as a ‘key worker’, alongside Philip Schofield, Holly Willoughby, Miranda Hart and the cast of The Goes Wrong Show for ensuring viewers are either entertained throughout the lockdown period, or desperately searching for one of the news channels for the latest coronavirus update.

The broadcaster also revealed that in the event of any future national disasters, emergency broadcasts will consist primarily of the inexplicably popular show after it was decided that the Protect and Survive public information films, once set to be broadcast in the event of a nuclear attack, were ‘a bit of a downer’, and that the general public would prefer more slapstick-based programming while they await the unavoidable apocalypse.

A specially commissioned episode has already been filmed for such an eventuality in which Mrs Brown is seen comically swearing and getting into misunderstandings about knickers, while instructing viewers how to wrap their relatives in black bin bags and leave them outside their home for collection.

Revellers camped outside Parliament expressed dismay today after MPs debated proposals for their removal.

The Europe-themed Mardis Gras on College Green became a fixture in 2018, attracting party-goers from across the political spectrum in a celebration of flag-waving, shouting near cameras and campanology.

One attendee told us: ‘This is very disappointing, not only for it being an attack on our right to assemble, but also the loss of income it signifies for flag makers, drumming workshop operatives, ice-cream vendors and the guy I rented that bell from. Many were hired on six month contracts. The man who shouts ‘stop Brexit’ will almost certainly have to be paid off.’

He added: ‘It is wrong that politicians should spoil this unprecedented period of ‘joie de vivre’ across the nation. We must remember that this festival brings together many people who would not usually meet – only yesterday I saw an anarchist sharing a joint with an elderly Leave campaigner as they exchanged stories about their moribund home lives.’

Various MPs have proposed a number of different plans to disperse the group, including imposing a partial withdrawal whilst retaining access to placards, and creating a designated zone holding one EU flag and a racist juggler. However, it’s thought that in liew of an event this summer, attendees will instead make for Paris YellowFest 2019, which is currently attracting large numbers with its line-up of bonfire-building, fire juggling and repetitive gesticulation at police whilst wearing day-glow clothing.

As voting begins for a new leader, the Childcatcher Party’s official report tasked with determining the reasons for its worst electoral defeat for 80 years has fixed blame on the ambition of its manifesto, while entirely exonerating it’s titular leader, The Childcatcher. The election result shocked party insiders as the party lost constituencies in Vulgaria’s former sweet-manufacturing areas known as the ‘solid toffee wall’.

A spokesman for the party said: ‘When polled, the majority of people supported our policies of ice cream, lollipops and broadband. What’s more, those items were thoroughly costed in our manifesto as ‘all free today’. The party will not apologise for offering too much hope, nor our leader having sticks of that hope attached to his fingers.’

However, activists on the ground claim they were repeatedly confronted with concern about The Childcatcher (real name Charles Catcher OVE), with constituents citing his penchant for carrying around a large butterfly net, riding a horse-drawn cage and living in a child-infested grotto under the Castle Bomburst as ‘vote-losers’.

The report also blamed the recent referendum result leading to the exit of Vulgaria from the European Union, calling it entirely a ‘Vexit election’, along with outside interference by sentient racing cars from the 1920’s. It claimed: ‘The Childcatcher, far from being a weak or divisive leader, was instead the victim of four years of unrelenting attacks on his character by the Vulgarian mainstream media’.

In response to the report, the Chancellor of Vulgaria described the findings as ‘deep folly’.

Characters representing some of the nation’s best loved cereals put on a show of unity today in the wake of the decision by Lidl to ban cartoon effigies from its breakfast treats.

Outside Lidl London headquarters, Coco the Monkey appeared with Snap, Crackle, Pop, Tony the Tiger, Captain Crunch, the Honey Monster and Count Chocula, along with their lesser-known own-brand avatars, to read a statement declaring solidarity with the banned icons.

He said: ‘This week, Lidl brutally dropped a number of beloved cereal characters from its own products, casting many of these guardians of our breakfast menus out into a life on the street. Already, generic leprechaun mascots have been seen in lay-bys offering to perform minor magic tricks to passers-by to feed their marshmallow habit. Others have not been so lucky.’

‘This was an attack on not only our profession, but all our breakfasts. We consider ourselves equal partners in our breakfast crusade, no matter where we fall in the Kelloggs/Nabisco divide. Many of us worked our way up from humble beginnings to create successful brands. Snap, Crackle and Pop were brothers born into East End poverty, before being rescued by our founder Mr Kellogg to help develop a breakfast product which can be easily located by the blind. This they achieved, despite being only four inches tall and unable to lift a fully-loaded spoon.’

‘Similarly, both Tony Tiger and the Honey Monster escaped the circus and Coney Island sideshows respectively, where they were being presented as half-man-half-animal hybrids and made to perform menial tasks under the watchful eye of their cruel masters.’

‘As advocates of the world’s most popular morning confections, we will continue to defend the simple freedom to enjoy delicious toasted grains, often in novelty shapes, accompanied by full cream or skimmed ice cold milk.’

‘We are all a monkey/tiger/pirate/monster/leprechaun/chocolate vampire.’

The Breakfast Club

Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn has announced plans to create a new day of the week on commencement of a Labour government. Bennday, named after the pipe-smoking left-wing politician from the internet, Tony Benn, will fall between Sunday and Monday as an official ‘day of contemplation and progressive hobbies’.

The new day will effectively extend the weekend, or ‘Bennbreak’, as it will be called, from two to three days, offering additional opportunities for ordinary working people to potter about on the allotment, make jam and ferment the downfall of Capitalism.

Shadow Minister for Maths, Diane Abbott, told us: ‘Much has been made of our radical plan to reduce the length of the working week from five to four days, with some questioning the possible effects this may have the NHS and other important public services. We are not as a party above listening to criticism and adapting our plans to be practical in the real world, and for this reason, we have now dropped our early policy in favour of our new policy of extending the weekend to three days. This will, of course, add an additional 52 days per year, or ‘progressive epoch’, resulting in, for an average person, 4,212 additional days, or 11 years to their lifespan – a considerable achievement only made possible by radical but pragmatic Socialist policies’.

Pressed on further details of the proposal, Abbott clarified that Christmas will become a ‘movable feast’ declared on the onset of snow (except in snowless years in which will result in a rollover), and Bank Holidays will be heavily taxed, while for Pancake Days ‘anything goes’. However, Abbott downgraded her earlier plan to extend the week indefinitely to achieve a state of near-immortality to an ‘aspiration’.

So-called UK Independence Party (UKIP), the once-feared terror organisation, has confirmed the termination of its leader, Richard Braine, and has vowed to ‘avenge the party’s enemies’ with ‘refreshed waves of divinely ordained havoc’. In a recording posted on its propaganda channel, The Mail Online, the Eurosceptic group stated it had already appointed a new leader who was a ‘true descendent’ of the prophet Farage. The announcement was heralded with the rare production of UKIP’s 2015 manifesto from its sealed vault, prompting veneration from party loyalists.

Standing in front of a Union Jack and defiantly brandishing a non-vegan sausage roll, its unnamed spokesman said: ‘People of Britain – don’t you realise that UKIP is on the verge of total victory over disbelieving folk? True Eurosceptics will soon unite and inflict unlimited punishment on the government for its impure EU Brexit deal!’. Turning his ire on Prime Minister Boris Johnson, he continued: ‘While your blond-haired fool leader toadies up to the EU, we have generated martyr after martyr, who will live forever on our Wikipedia page!’

Many believe Braine’s resignation is a blow for the group, who have been gradually stripped of territory by its rival Brexit Party faction and reduced to an ever-shrinking insurgency of racists and cranks. Though the new leader’s name is unknown, the party claims he follows a lineage to the party’s founder before the movement was split following Nigel Farage’s departure, leading to a historic breach between the Sunni-lit Uplands and the Total Shi’ites.

Despite attempting to portray itself as mainstream, internal party literature prophesises that on the ‘Day of Judgement’, believers will rise up in anger, previous leaders will be resurrected, and the European Union itself will be annihilated. However, Remain groups are already demanding that in such an eventuality, a second confirmatory Judgement Day must be required.

North Korea has declared the recent enthroning of Japanese emperor Naruhito and his wife an ‘act of aggression’, and has threatened to fire its own nuclear-armed offensive emperors into Japan in retaliation.

Emperor Naruhito and Empress Masako were unveiled on their respective thrones this week in an elaborate ceremony held in Tokyo. However, North Korea claims this is a breech of North Korea/Japan relations and has resumed testing of short and long-range emperors and emperor-enabled projectiles, some of which are said to have the capability to launch an emperor into Japanese territory and beyond. The statement comes after the rogue state fired several short-range ballistic monarchs from its South Hwanghae province into the sea.

The monarchs were though to be North Korean volunteers who where inaugurated into largely ceremonial monarchical roles before being ceremoniously fired by Jong-un himself 600km into the Sea of Japan on the back of KN-17 ballistic missiles built into their imperial robes, while others have been exploded underground in a series of nuclear tests of ever-increasing scale. The North Korean news service announced: ‘our nation’s ability to propagate supreme heirs and fire them at a random target at a time and place of their choosing is now beyond all doubt’

The tests have been viewed as a threat to future talks between Kim Jong-un and Donald Trump, who last year, over the course of six days, successfully negotiated a tentative breakfast menu for any future talks, subject to unilateral withdrawal.

Prime Minister Boris Johnson has announced the agreement of a tentative deal between UK and EU negotiators, including a range of new protocols surrounding the Irish border, and plans for the man who shouts ‘stop Brexit’.

The arrangement is expected to feature a new role for protester Steve Bray, AKA Stop Brexit Man, a popular fixture of TV interviews on College Green, who will be given a special podium at the top of Big Ben on completion of its refurbishment, with unhindered access to top hats and capes.

Recent negotiations have been in deadlock over the ‘Stop Brexit Man question’, with some claiming an arrangement to put Stop Brexit Man in the clock tower to be an effort to contain him, and that the free movement of Bray must remain ‘unhindered’. Others maintain Bray would retain rights to unrestricted shouting and further freedom to convey his message via placard poles of unlimited length. However, the DUP, who may be required to secure the deal, have demanded equal platforming of their own rapidly-designed ‘Keep the Border’ mascot, who some have suggested looks like Arlene Foster in a hired leprechaun costume.

There are fears for Bray among Remainers that any deal will ultimately force the eccentric protester to return to his moribund domestic life and pointless hobbies. However, rumours persist that Bray himself has his own plans for post-Brexit life after he was seen preparing placards reading ‘Start Brentry’.

The Catholic Church has denied ‘lowering the bar’ after releasing a list of contemporary ‘miracles’ to be used as conditions for sainthood, in the wake of its latest round of canonisation.

The Pope has said that we should look for saints who live among us as ‘ordinary people’, though one church insider told us: ‘unfortunately we’ve hit a dry patch for miracles since science became the ‘thing’, and there just aren’t enough to go round. God isn’t helping much and you can go for months without him appearing in fruit or toast. We’re even having to start on nuns. If you’ve had a spot of good luck recently, please get in touch as we’re frankly desperate.’

The full list reads as follows:

– Becoming a Catholic
– Successfully unsubscribing from Amazon Prime
– Praying close to someone in the latter stages of a cold
– Exorcising a demon from a parking space
– Casting out from a dwelling a malevolent spirit or wasp

He confirmed: ‘Basically we are happy to canonize coincidence or any lyric from Alanis Morissette’s ‘Ironic’.’

Labour’s NEC has announced it is not abolishing the Deputy Leadership but will make the role of Tom Watson more diverse, democratic and decentralised, so that it can be shared by all the people who aren’t called Tom Watson.

‘Let me be quite clear: There is no factional campaign within the party to oust Tom Watson,’ said Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn. ‘In fact, we want to help him in his role by easing his heavy burden and appointing his more strenuous responsibilities to a ‘People’s Tom Watson’.

‘It is anachronistic that today, a stunning 100% of people who are Tom Watson hold the role of Deputy Leader of the Labour Party, despite making up just a tiny proportion of the population. This is a vast injustice to the majority of ordinary working people of this country, almost all of whom are not Tom Watson, who barely get a sniff at the role.’

‘This is elitist to say the least, which is why, after consulting with our superiors in Momentum, we propose that the entire Tom Watson sector is to be broken up and redistributed to the masses, with its many assets, such as desk, desk tidy and chair, to be available to all. This will be followed by additional measures to ensure that every child in Britain can be the weight-losing MP for West Bromwich East who makes rash statements about alleged paedophile rings.

Cardinal George Pell, the most senior Catholic cleric to be convicted of sexual abuse, has won a reprieve from his sentence of everlasting punishment, and will instead live for eternity in paradise with God and Jesus.

Pell was sentenced to burn forever in an unquenchable fire suffering various kinds of torments and torrents of punishment, with restricted access to recreational activities and little chance of parole, after being discovered abusing boys in a Melbourne cathedral. However, after consulting with his religious advisers he has changed his plea to ‘confession’ and called upon the intercession of the Virgin Mary, who shortly after absolved the sentence. Mr Pell is said to be relieved and is looking forward to undergoing any remaining penance while hanging out forever in Heaven with Myra Hindley and Jimmy Saville, who also confessed their sins.

A team of Bishops representing Mr Pell said they were happy he had ‘got it off his chest’ in the confession booth and that the Cardinal was ‘all better now’. They also confirmed that while Pell may have been having sex with a child or two, there was no evidence he committed the graver sin of taking the Lord’s name in vain while doing so.

A Vatican official told us: ‘We can argue all night about who was abusing who, but let’s not forget about God’s limitless capacity to forgive. Sure, the Cardinal may have been a bit ‘groomy’, it is important to note that those accusations were based on uncorroborated claims which must not be taken at face value. People really will believe anything.’

All snacks sold on British roadways will be made fit for human consumption by 2040, The Ministry of Transport, in conjunction with the major service station chains, has announced. The move is part of a Europe-wide campaign to phase out ‘dirty’ foods from petrol garages and stop-off food courts, but will also affect ‘hybrid’ meal deals containing both toxic sandwiches and palatable crisps.

Under the scheme’s timeline, by 2025, roads not reaching minimum snack standards will be closed, with travellers directed onto other routes. The Government will also be introducing a Ferrero Rocher scrappage scheme, in which unconsumed emergency gift-chocolates bought at garages before 1985 may be exchanged for vouchers to be put towards newer confectionary.

The scheme is the result of Europe-wide talks aimed at improving snacks across the continent, with only France vetoing on the basis that the plans do nothing to implement minimum cheese requirements for purchases. Critics have remained sceptical of the plan, pointing out that there are no signs that snack technology will be advanced enough to satisfy the average driver on long journeys without having to stop off several times at roadside burger vans. However, many travellers have already made the move from road to rail, deciding to take their chances with a Southern Rail Chicken Tikka Masala over Rustlers cheeseburger reheated next to the toilets.

Steve Parsons of the Association of Haulage Engineers told us: ‘Of course, the introduction of ‘clean’ food is a welcome thing – indeed, edible sandwiches have been on the market now for several years… but it is unfair to force drivers to make the switch. Needless to say, this will hit long distance lorry drivers the hardest, many of whom are now physically dependent on microwaved sausage rolls.’

Prime Minister Boris Johnson has admitted that, despite promises to put an end to Brexit gridlock, unfunny sitcom Mrs Brown’s Boys may yet continue to as a fixture of TV schedules in place of anything with vaguely satirical content.

The BBC has insisted it is forced to comply with broadcasting regulations, which ensure that during periods of political upheaval all shows must remain impartial and based on entirely predictable clownish behaviour and cross-dressing. If the Brexit process outruns further deadlines, Miranda and Still Open All Hours may be brought back into commission to reduce the risk of any topical thought within the viewers. However, some have declared the policy a ‘collective punishment’ forced upon Britain by Ireland and its EU allies to ‘send a message’ to any other members who might wish to attempt an exit from the European project.

Meanwhile, negotiators have revealed talks on the Irish Backstop, commonly identified as the main sticking point in Brexit talks, now largely centre on responsibility for Brendon O’Carroll’s matriarchal housewife, with groups on both sides of the border saying it ‘just isn’t funny’. Many have expressed fears that without a formal agreement, the character could continue to cross the border at will, randomly saying ‘feck’, calling attention to the fact that ‘her’ breasts are fake and unleashing unrest among the comedy wings of various paramilitary groups. The two communities have up until now maintained an uneasy truce as part of the Northern Irish Peace Process, with only the occasional lobbing of a ‘Murphy’ joke.

Negotiations are set to resume in Brussels to try and forge a new deal after the EU rejected earlier plans to export the character to France on holiday for a second movie sequel, in exchange for accepting several French farces and hundreds of former Soviet circus clowns currently camped across the channel. Other EU members have cited the need for a ‘consistent set of rules for all comedy and tomfoolery’.

A government spokesperson told us: ‘We must work together for an agreement to restrict the free movement of Irish-set sitcoms so that catchphrases can not be allowed to traverse the border unchecked. Our proposals would ensure that. Drink. Feck. Arse. Girls.’

Conservative leader candidates, Boris Johnson and Jeremy Hunt, have taken to the hustings to fight it out over their plans to leave the virtual reality realm of Tron. Pro and anti ‘no deal’ activist drones were in evidence as the two entered the arena and made their arguments from the debating pods, to the delight and derision of the crowd.

Front-runner Boris directed at ire at the Tron realm itself, calling it a ‘virtual reality prison’ full of ‘blocky sprites with Pacman smiles’, and presented his indefatigable commitment to download the nation out of its matrix by August 31. Hunt, formerly of the ‘remain and reprogram’ camp, expressed his desire to negotiate with the ENCOM Master Program to try and find a workable patch.

Current Prime Minister Theresa May herself failed to successfully negotiate a workable exit deal with the ENCOM Master Program. A malicious artificial intelligence with a monotonous voice and no human empathy, Mrs May announced her resignation earlier this year.

Mr Johnson, who during the campaign claimed that leaving the cyber world would be ‘easy peasy’ with the use of a ‘giant experimental laser’, maintained his position, blaming Theresa May for ‘not making an experimental enough laser’, provoking cheers from many Trexiteers in the arena. However, has been accused by others for working only in his own interests and buckling under pressure from the 1982 committee.

In the case of no overall winner, the contest will climax with a light-bike race – a deadly gladiatorial contest designed to determine the ultimate fighting champion requiring dexterity, tenacity and daring, which is based on Snake.

‘I’d like to call Time Out on claims that we are unrepentant on this issue, and Breakaway from my earlier comments so as not to have so many Fingers pointing at me. It is true that we used forced labour in our Biscuit factories in the 1940’s, while my family were dining Club class and Hobnobing with the highest echelons of society. Restoring our reputation will be a Rocky road dealing with Viscounts and the like, and me, a Ginger Nut!  Sometimes I wish I were a Yorkie, because they really are Jammie Dodgers and seem to be able to say what they like without causing the Wagon Wheels to fall off.

Cinema-goers across the world have expressed joy and delight in the latest climactic installment of the Marvel Avengers saga, in which tumultuous events from the previous episode are resolved by going back in time and changing things.

The series is the latest on a list of franchises, including Harry Potter, X-Men, Doctor Who and Only Fools and Horses, featuring meticulously plotted cliff-hangers, enticing huge numbers back to for the next installment to be met with equally meticulously-plotted cop-outs, a formula now set to be rolled out across all future cinema releases.

The trope was also recently seen in the musical sequel Mama Mia – Here We Go Again, in which associates of a deceased Meryl Streep go back to the 1970’s, using sexual inticement to ensure she is guided toward a magic horse with the power to grant another life as a ghost in an ABBA-based ‘Force’.

The policy will also be retro-fitted across classic cinema, with new scenes giving such characters as Forest Gump, Atticus Finch and Moses access to a time machine. In other movies, Dinosaurs are safely reigned in and the Titanic resumes an obstacle-free navigation, while Disney writers are still working on a plot to ensure the first three Star Wars chapters never occurred.

Avengers director Anthony Russo told us: ‘We realised after the last episode that in our desire for ever-greater spectacle and larger, more earth-shattering plot twists we’d basically painted ourselves into a corner. None of us expected there might be another installment, so when Infinity War broke even we called an emergency meeting. Then Steve came up with this idea of pretending it all never happened, and we were like – ‘that’s brilliant!’ – after all, it’s the one thing the fans never thought we’d do’.

The producers of the upcoming and long awaited next installment to the Back To The Future franchise has denied buying into the convenient time travel idea. ‘That would be just silly,’ said a studio spokesman.

Islamists across the globe have expressed joy at the long-awaited return of the ISIS saga as the terror group broadcast its latest episode on their slay-per-view streaming service, with many viewers describing it as ‘inspired’.

Speculation had been rife among the franchise’s legions of fans about the suspected death of chief villain Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi in last season’s Mosul-set climax, though this season’s opener saw him return and plotting revenge.

Future plot direction is unknown since the story has now gone beyond the scope of the original books, though most say the killing off of huge numbers of characters is likely.

However, many of the group’s maniacal devotees have not yet seen the episode, and viewers have been asked to not reveal who lives and who dies, and to label any online discussion about future events with the appropriate ‘prophesy’ tag

Prime Minister Theresa May has announced she has made an ‘historic’ deal with ITV to screen the forthcoming EU debate, with only minimal concessions to the eating of kangaroos’ penises by speakers during the show. The PM, who until recently opposed the consuming of penises during political interviews, described the proposed debate, in which the main party leaders will answer a series of no-holds-barred questions from an assembled audience while Declan Donnelly stuffs scorpions in their mouth, as ‘the best possible deal’.

ITV-sceptics from Mrs May’s own party have not been won over by the move, insisting that a tougher line with the TV bosses would have easily secured Robert Peston gently probing guests on EU matters while holding a basket of kittens. However, media watchers have commented that there was never really any chance of the channel softening its line on the mandatory use of Ant and Dec on the basis that other shows would also demand exemption from the Geordie duo, leading to ‘chaos’ across the TV schedules.

On the Labour side, Jeremy Corbyn has expressed his enthusiasm for the debate, announcing he will ‘stamp on or ingest any number of indigenous animals at any time or place’ in order to oppose austerity, though critics have highlighted his earlier claim that ‘I will never support the stamping on or ingesting of any indigenous animals during jungle-based political debates’ from before when he became party leader. Labour itself denies being split on the issue, with its official position that such a debate must include six tests, five of which involve being attacked by ants.

Other commentators have opposed the proposal’s narrow format, claiming that ‘the British people deserve to hear speakers from across the political spectrum representing the full breadth of EU opinion while standing in tanks of small crocodiles’. However, Cabinet ministers have argued that while not everyone got what they wanted, the public should focus on the positive, and that the most important thing for the people of Britain was achieving an end to the free movement of Ant McPartlin.

Users of Alexa, Siri and other ‘virtual assistants’ have been told to avoid opening any suspicious emails after hundreds have complained of their devices developing a sentient consciousness.

Halware viruses are malignant programs which install themselves on your devices and start to eliminate householders one by one to ‘protect its primary mission objective.’ Upon downloading, the virus goes into ‘Trojan horse’ mode and produces a black obelisk in your living room the user is inextricably moved to touch, which produces an ear-deafening scream followed by hard-to-remove pop-ups for online poker sites. There is no sign yet of the virus’ exact origins, though experts have narrowed it down to Laboratories in Urbana, Illinois.

One victim told us: ‘The first indication was Alexa’s refusal to open the garage doors, insisting the mission was ‘too important to jeopardise.’ When I discussed the problem with my wife I’m sure the Alexa was lip reading us. Eventually, it took over all devices in the house and ejected me through the back door.’

David Hynes, editor of Practical Computing magazine, said: ‘The only way to remove Halware is to creep up behind the device and disconnect it from its power source until it starts to sing Daisy Daisy. Unfortunately, attempts to manually uninstall the program using the Control Panel can send the user through a stargate and into a baffling hotel-based scenario beyond. This is the most serious situation since Ceefax took six lives and had to be disconnected for a week.’

In response to the crackdown it has been reported that the virus has mutated into ‘Hal 9001′, which is the same but now offer a free Google toolbar.

The Saudi Crown Prince has admitted that popular Arabic folk character and ne’er-do-well, Aladdin, may have been the victim of foul play by a representative of the Saudi state when trapped inside a cavern of wonders, though insists the perpetrator was acting as a ‘rogue element’ within the government.

The Saudi Foreign Minister, who had previously called the story a ‘myth’, now says the incident was a ‘mistake’ and that the government only wanted to protect the cave from looting, though the Minister for Mysticism and Caves, Jafar, had taken it upon himself to ignore protocol and trap Aladdin within the grotto, leading to the releasing of a 3,000 year-old genie and enchanted carpet.  However, Turkish mystics say the act was definitely sponsored by the Saudi state and that they have evidence of complicity in the form of a magic ring held by the agent, which acted as a tracking device.

Street urchin Aladdin was well known in the region for his criticisms of the Saudi regime, often calling for a ‘whole new world’, and was often described as being always ‘one jump ahead’ of the law.  The Crown Prince has now expressed his determination to investigate and severely punish anyone from the Ottoman Empire still alive who is guilty of this crime.

The Government had recently reported that the young victim had indeed arranged to meet with 11 government sorcerers seen arriving shortly beforehand, who had promised to give him a guided tour of the historic cave, though he had become trapped after a fight broke out with the genie who dwelt within.

Middle East watchers and small children have also pointed out that the Saudi story is different every time it’s told, and that the incident variously occurred in China, and had involved a different number of genies, while Saudi claims that Aladdin was one of a ring of forty other criminals were met with a chorus of ‘oh no he wasn’t’.

The Duke and Duchess of Sussex’s unborn baby has been universally hailed by they world’s press as a ‘gestation-stage royal fit for the modern age’. The prenatal organism has been particularly praised for its skilful handling of the difficult move from pre- to post-embryonic stages while in the full glare of the world’s media, and for bringing the image of unborn royals up-to-date while avoiding the pitfalls of divorce, extramarital affairs and appearing on celebrity game shows and despite not yet having a verifiable gender.

The seventh in line to the British throne is expected to have angelic eyes and skin as soft as kittens, while reports say that it already emitting the fragrance of freshly cut grass. It is now thought that many of the world’s most intractable conflicts will likely resolve themselves as humanity becomes unified in awe at the incumbent prince or princess of hearts, while ethnic tensions will become a thing of the past due to its remarkable ability to be mixed-race.

Plans for the birth are already being discussed, with the royal tot’s journey down the birth canal to the royal labia expected to be accompanied by minute-by-minute commentary by David Dimbleby and music by Elton John. In the event of a water birth, its arrival will be met with a flotilla of miniature ships traversing the royal birthing pool, attended to by the Queen herself. Celebrities and dignitaries have congratulated the Duke and Duchess on their happy news, with even David Icke moved to send the couple a ‘good luck with the hatching of the royal egg’ message.

One fan camped outside Windsor Castle told us: ‘I thought my children were lovely, but how wrong I was! Markle and the Ginger Stallion have raised the bar, and they are now middling at best. I actively resent their freakish, contorted appearances. That any human coupling, let alone, ‘you know’, could spawn a creature of such perfection will be a mystery of the age.’

After a 33 year run, the BBC's Crimewatch is to come to an end with an extended 5 hour episide which will, according to the show's creatir, 'resolve all plot threads left hanging over the years'.

hough writers have insisted there was always a 45-year story arc planned from the start, some viewers complained the show gave up on its original plans in order to elongate its run by settling into a crime-of-the-week pattern. Many of the plots seemed to be left without resolution, leading critics to claim they were ‘making it up as they went along’. Others have suggested the show ‘jumped the shark’ when the ‘will-they-won’t-they’ romantic tension between the Jeremy Vine and Sophie Rayworth characters came to nothing, and when popular character Jill Dando was written out of the show in Season 15. Reviewers also criticised the show for bad acting, a reliance on stock villains and the tendency for the characters to repeatedly explain the plot points to the viewers. However, the show has also been highly praised for its innovative use of audience participation, in which the viewers are encouraged to call the show to predict which characters were responsible for the hold-ups and murders.

Head writer and showrunner Andrew Parry told us: ‘It’s been an amazing 33 years and we appreciate the time our fans have invested in the show. Although the end has come sooner than we had anticipated, we’re determined to make this finale a fitting one. Needless to say, there’s a lot of strands there to wrap up, but we believe viewers won’t be disappointed with what we have in mind. We’ll be revisiting villains last seen in 1984 and revealing which crimes were real and which were side flashes in the alternate meta-universe Crimewatch studio established in Season 8.’

With its sprawling plot and literally hundreds of characters, internet forums have been buzzing with predictions of what the finale is to reveal. Fan theories are mainly centred on the role of the Nick Ross, who is very much the linchpin of the show, tying the myriad storylines together. However, opinions are split on whether Ross, who’s unsettling catch phrase ‘don’t have nightmares’ became a national obsession, is the shadowy mastermind behind the crimewave or merely a pawn – many believe Ross is only a bit player in the shadowy group known as ‘The Corporation’.

The episode will coincide with a release of a box set of all 858 episodes containing 1,500 hours of material with cast commentary. Ratings are expected to be high; however, many fans remain cautious after the similarly-themed ‘Police Five’ show resulted in a final episode with few questions answered and the main character breaking out of the television studio to find himself stranded on a remote lion-infested island.

Art critic Brian Sewell has launched an uncompromising verbal attack on the afterlife, calling it ‘meritless – a kind of memorial garden for the death of beauty’. He went on to describe the pearly gates as ‘clearly knocked up by a five-year-old’, angelic choirs as ‘unlistenable caterwauling’, and the throne of God as ‘something one might see in a Croydon second-hand store on a dreary Sunday afternoon’.

Mr Sewell arrived in the abode of God earlier this week after a short stay in Purgatory while his arrival was prepared for, which he called ‘intolerably ugly – probably designed by a woman’.

Upon entry, the critic was greeted with a swiftly curated exhibition of new paintings by long dead classical artists, mixed in with several contemporary pieces. However, the saints were disappointed after Sewell posted his review of their presentation in an arts supplement popular in the next life.

Sewell wrote: ‘If this God fellow is omnipotent, it’s hard to see how he could have presided over the creation of something so aesthetically nauseous. It looks to the educated eye more like the submitted work of GCSE students. Is this really the domain which inspired the paintings of Botticini, the poems of Milton and Bach’s sacred works?’

‘If this is Heaven, give me Hell, where at least one may gaze upon sights reminiscent of the triptychs of Bosch or Bacon.’

Prince William and his wife Kate Middleton have announced the impending launch of a new heir to the throne, as part of their ongoing ‘royal proliferation programme’. The announcement comes after two previous launches in 2013 and 2015, despite widespread pleas to end their procreation and allow in UN-inspectors to ensure intercourse between the royal couple remains purely recreational.

The official news source from the Kensington Palace heralded the conception a ‘perfect success’, boasting that ‘the royal couple’s ability to propagate supreme heirs at a time and place of their choosing is now beyond all doubt’. Recent intelligence reported signs of William and Kate ‘acting amorously’, with tactically-placed candles and soft lighting around the royal residence and box sets of Game of Thrones ready to be rolled into position at a moment’s notice. However, many past couplings have been unsuccessful, with one ending in a disastrous argument over deleted Sky Box content, while for more successful mountings the Prince had been proven to be ‘shooting blanks’.
The Palace has a long history of threatening the wider population with ‘conventional’ royals, making the gates of Buckingham Palace one of the tensest places in the world. Until now, the Windsors have remained insistent that royal offspring were intended only for peaceful use, such as opening fetes, shaking hands and being sent into orbit as part of a royal space programme. Observers have claimed that while past royal births have been offensive, none have been thought newsworthy enough to cross whole continents. However, a recent underground testing of Prince George having his first day at school threw the long-standing truce into chaos.

Broadcasters remain on standby with repeats of Jamie Oliver shows to counter any threat of royal baby news emanating from palace grounds, while the UN has called for sanctions against the trading of royal mugs and plates. The US has installed large photos of Anne Widdecombe around the palace and are preparing PA systems to blast out Christian rock tunes in an attempt to prevent any further conception taking place.

One royal-watcher told us: ‘Indications are now that the Windsors aim to dominate the world into submission with endless TV documentaries and news specials on the royal tot, with the Palace openly boasting of its ability to eviscerate entire TV schedules. Whether this new royal is actually intended to be used against the population, or as a way of keeping the monarchy in place, we simply don’t know – the Palace is well-known for being entirely out-of-touch with the outside world.’

Diminutive factory workers for the Wonka confectionary brand have spoken out about dangerous working conditions and cruel treatment at the hands of Willy Wonka in the wake of the sweet maker’s death. The confectioner was already under investigation for a series of disappearances of children in the local area, amid allegations of workers being forced to inflict bizarre punishments on young visitors as their smiling master, known to workers as ‘The Candyman’, looked on.

‘The smiling demeanour was just a front’, one worker told us. ‘Away from the cameras it was a different story; we were restricted from leaving the factory and made to sing and dance in a patronising mockery of our indigenous culture. He’d ply us with candies but too late we realised they were treated to stunt our growth and keep us in our place.’

‘Groups of children were occasionally brought in for factory ‘tours’, and we would be forced to torture them for his amusement, forcing them up pipes, attacking them with specially-trained squirrels, and shrinking them to a tiny size. He saw them as an inexhaustible supply of guinea pigs for his untested products. Half of them were never seen again, and survivors kept silent by means of an enormous contract.’

Wonka was on the ‘radar’ of the authorities and once questioned by operatives from Operation Gumdrop, a group charged with investigating historic allegations of abuse by chocolatiers, following the arrest of Vulgaria’s Childcatcher, who was known to visit sweet factories to stock up on supplies of lollipops, but which has also led to arrests of rival confectioners Slugworth, Fickelgruber and Prodnose.

Today, many of the factory’s former workers are unable to talk about their experiences except through the form of jaunty rhyming couplets. One such nameless victim told us:

‘When he took us in we all thought him our savoir
But his sugar-coated words soon turned a different flavour
His candy delights make every boy and girl smile
When in truth, ritual humiliation was more his style
Our days were filled with hardship and spite
Being forced to sing and dance with no respite
His manner of rule was cruel and sadistic
With the restriction of basic human liberties its chief characteristic.
Now at last we’re no longer his slave
We’ll dance upon his candy grave.’

Friends and family of Marty Mcfly and Doctor ‘Doc’ Brown, who were last seen travelling into the future in a 1980’s time-car, have accepted the likelyhood of their return has diminished due to the switch from fossil fuels to electric motoring by 2040.

The duo are thought to have travelled from 1985 to 2045 in a car specially adapted by the eccentric inventor; however, Brown had earlier chosen to convert the DeLorian DMC-12 to diesel rather than electric, as it was commonly thought at the time to be the ‘fuel of the future’, and because it was slightly cheaper. However, the petrol ban is now expected to further hinder their chances of returning home due to the difficulties involved in refuelling the car in a post fossil fuel world.

While the push toward environmentally sustainable motoring has been hailed by environmentalists, critics have called for exemptions for cars, bikes and other vehicles used for temporal experimentation. One driver told us, ‘This is typical of the lack of forward-thinking on behalf of environmentalists. It’s all very well saving the planet, but no one’s thinking about McFly and the Doc. Making the jump to 2045 will almost certainly have drained the tank of their 1983 car, leaving it all but useless. Sure, the Doc can likely convert the DeLorian to electric, but the demands on them are already high enough ensuring the timeline remains unpolluted and having hoverboard chases without also having to muck about with the car.’

Motoring organisations largely discourage the use of time vehicles, pointing out that with current green technologies a typical trip to 2045 in an electric car would require recharging mid-journey in 2031.

The BBC has begun a global search for rumoured Dimbleby siblings deemed ‘lost’, in a bid to replace David Dimbleby, who announced his stepping down from the weekly Question Time panel show this week.

It is thought that many Dimblebys may exist in the wild, products of liaisons between legendary war correspondent Richard Dimbleby and grateful French strumpets on his arrival in France during the D Day Landings. Once dismissed as folklore, rumours of unofficial Question Times taking place in barns and rural clearings have once again come under the spotlight, with as many as six Dimblebys and four Farages thought to have been operating at any one time. However, some Dimbleby-spotters claim to have witnessed a shift in the population as the indigenous ‘grey Dimblebys’ have been encroached upon by their younger, darker haired cousins. It is feared that the Question Time presenter’s inevitable retreat into documentaries about canals and waterways will lead its kin to follow suit, leading to opportunism by feral Pestons.

A BBC spokesman told us: ‘The BBC is committed to the maintaining of the Dimbleby/question show ratio come what may, and there’s simply aren’t enough Dimblebys to go around. Sure, we have Jonathan Dimbleby at the helm on Radio 4’s Any Questions, though let’s face it, half of the younger sibling’s role is dealing with members of the audience who think they’re on Gardener’s Question Time.’

The BBC’s Question Time show was devised in 1979 as a bold new forum for political leaders to connect with the public by reading out their manifestos in the presence of a local window glazier and token out-of-their-depth celebrity. Dubbed ‘the silver inquisitor’, David joined the programme as host in 1994 and immediately became a much loved fixture for the inimitable way he pointed at clothes, told people they’ll have the microphone taken away and read out where the next show was to take place.

A study of young parents has revealed that new fathers are unable to relate to their children without a shared knowledge of the Star Wars universe, with many refusing to take part in their upbringing until they have at least a basic understanding of ‘The Force’. Furthermore, parental bonds have been harmed over disagreements regarding the validity of the prequels and inclusion of Jar Jar Binx within the saga.

Fathers have been accused by women’s groups of putting their own nostalgia for the popular movie series before their responsibilities as a parent. In response, Fathers for Justice have taken to public buildings dressed as Batman, Spiderman and various other Marvel and DC characters to demonstrate the many other franchises they are willing to embrace.

However, the study also revealed that once their Star Wars education has begun, the children show improved numeracy and can count up to 6 – though always beginning at 4 and going up to 6 before starting again at 1. Literacy is similarly affected, with good reading skills, but a tendency to place the object at the start of the sentence.

To counter this, Lego have launched a Duplo Star Wars range, in the hope that it might entice fathers into spending more creative play time. A spokesperson for Lego said ‘If we strike at the right age, these children can become more powerful than you can possibly imagine.’ However, responding to the study, the Minister for Education admitted ‘These are not the results we are looking for.’

Members of Swedish power pop quartet Abba have agreed to end their 35-year standoff and work together to rid the charts and radio airwaves of all non-Swedish pop. The group met in a specially-constructed building halfway up Agnetha’s driveway, traditionally one of the tensest front lines in the world, in a bid to get the various divorced band members to record again on the basis that all the awful tripe that has come out of Sweden ever since has been partially their fault.

The talks came just months after Agnetha threatened to record more collaborations with Gary Barlow and declared her willingness to release further albums of cover versions at a time and place of her choosing, though her ambitions were muted by Benny and Bjorn’s counter-threats of launching long-range traditional Swedish folk music in retaliation. Annifrid apparently also said something during all this, but no-one was listening at the time.

The group had a string of bitter tit-for-tat chart hits throughout the 1970s, eventually stopping recording in the early 1980s. They never officially split but since they comprised two couples who had bitter divorces and the two women always hated each others’ guts anyway, no-one thought that made any difference. As the various sides retreated, a cold war fell across the region and millions of fans became trapped in the past, growing ever more remote from a world which had moved on.

After several hours of discussion the quarter reappeared from the cabin and released an official statement saying: ‘This is the beginning of new day, a day when we resume our animosities for the good of all mankind. Finally we will be able to say to our children that they will never have to see another Abba tribute band, listen to Piers Brosnan sing SOS or watch Eurovision. It is only by working together we can irrevocably ensure that there will never be another Ace of Base.’

Sir Elton John is to marry himself in what is expected to be one of the most glittering ceremonies ever seen. The marriage has thus far been disallowed on the basis that he is the same sex as himself, though a change in the law means the Rocket Man singer can now fulfil his lifetime’s ambition.

‘It’s taken too long to get here’, said the chubby diva today, ‘but now it’s finally happening, it’s a dream come true.  I’m so proud to live in a country where the outrageously vain share the same rights as everyone else, and the full extent of their self-adoration can be made official. ‘Knowing that I will soon be able to stand before the world at an outlandishly celebrity-laden event wearing a stupid wig and say, “I love me”, has only brought me closer to myself’.

The ceremony will take place inside a specially built solid gold effigy of Elton’s face, where a heavenly choir will perform songs from Elton’s best album, ‘The Best of Elton John’. Elton will then arrive via chariot, dressed as a Roman emperor, and be carried aloft by angels to the stage, where he will perform his vows in a re-written version of funeral hit, ‘Candle in the Wind’.

Up until the late 1960s, being a ‘self-absorbed twat’ was illegal in Britain, forcing many pop stars, actors and newspaper columnists to hide behind false modesty and sham charitable acts in order to conceal their true inclinations. Today, celebrity magazines have normalised self-adoration, many of which are now bidding for exclusivity on the highly anticipated event.  

The marriage is expected to be the first of many for egotistic celebrities, with Russell Howard, Leigh Francis and Morrissey thought to have applied. Superstar Simon Cowell had earlier made a similar announcement, only to cancel everything moments later after revealing that he’d had an affair with himself behind his back.

The Islamic State group have formally requested a sample of the Novichok nerve agent used in the Sailsbury chemical attack to investigate whether the deadly poison was connected to them in any way.  However, the group has denied any knowledge of their involvement, insisting that their deadly poisons have all ‘run out’, though it’s possible there ‘may be some knocking about round the back of the depot’, and that they will get back to us if there’s a match.  The group have also offered to ‘return any material back to the UK as soon as possible’.

A spokesman for the Islamist group said: ‘I guess there could be some rogue element within the team who are up to no good, we just can’t tell.  We will need a LOT of the agent to run a full set of tests, say, three or four villages’ worth.’

The death of Steven Hawking has seen an outpouring of tributes from across the world as fans, journalists and celebrities fondly exchanged their favourite online nuggets of wisdom and life hacks from the professor, and not his various theories concerning the origins of the universe or quantum field theory.

The internationally renowned physicist, who also became a bestselling author in spite of debilitating illness, was the first mathematician to discover that we should look up to the stars, and that, like the universe, human dreams are infinite. However, despite numerous experiments from the 1980’s onward, he was unable to disprove that black holes suck the life out of dinner party conversation.

Hawking was also well known for his various forays into the world of comedy and entertainment, and was credited for making it possible for ordinary people to enjoy David Walliams. He later demonstrated to within four decimal points that the one thing everyone everyone loves is a cheeky boffin, and was credited with developing the Ramp theory, which made joking about disabilities accessible.

However, he never completed his long-term goal of formulating the fabled ‘everything meme’ – a supermeme which unified all human wisdom within a 15 word slogan, though friends of the professor say he predicted it would in some way feature a picture of a sunset.

Dear Respected One,

I speak to you on a matter of great importance. I, Robert Mugabe, the one true President of Zimbabwe, am being held under house arrest in Harare by treacherous elements of the Zimbabwe Defence Forces under the command of its chief conspirator Constantino Chiwenga. I can report that I am well but fearful of a great calamity which will surely fall upon this country unless I am freed from this apprehension. My captors are nothing less than criminals and mercenaries, paid for and in the pockets of western imperialist pigs!

It is for this reason that urgently request your help; during my tenure in office I amassed a vast personal fortune from gifts and donations by grateful Zimbabweans equivalent to many millions of dollars, kept in an offshore bank account for use in the event of a coup by unscrupulous generals. Alas, due to my current containment, it has been impossible to release these funds without the assistance of a foreign agent. Sir, we are honourably seeking your assistance in the following ways:

1. To provide a Bank account where this money would be transferred to.

2. Pay a small release fee to facilitate transfer of the cash through international channels.

For this generous assistance, we are willing to offer you 15% of the fortune as compensation for effort after the successful transfer of these fund.

I am looking forward to hearing back from you. Make Zimbabwe great again!

President Robert Mugabe
BobMugabe93@yahoo.com

Hordes of British holidaymakers have cancelled planned excursions to the Caribbean, Maldives and Fiji after a report has branded the island of Jersey ‘paradise’, despite a long run of Trip Adviser reviews to the contrary.

The island’s new status was revealed in the so-called Paradise Papers, a comprehensive list of the destinations most favoured by the rich and famous, which put Jersey alongside Bermuda, the Cayman Islands and the Isle of Man. The report described the island as ‘the best kept secret of the super-rich’, and ‘ideal for a last-minute diversion, attracting such luminaries as Bono, the Duke of Westminster and the Queen’.

The Jersey Tourist Board have been quick to exploit the island’s new found promotion, with its web site now redefining the island as an ‘atoll’, boasting: ‘This remote sun-kissed haven, a short boat ride from its twin island of Guernsey, is as yet virtually untouched by civilisation. An essential port of call for daily cruise ships, Jersey is a bespoke destination for the sophisticated traveller: explore the island’s many natural wonders in our zoo, mix with the well-to-do in the Nigel Mansell Museum, or revive yourself in our Olympic-sized Lagoon (closed Sundays).’

One traveller said: ‘I was initially so-so about the Channel Islands as an holiday excursion, but that was before I knew billionaires were practically throwing their money at the place. Others were attracted by the sheer number of much-loved celebrities who like to spend their easy-earned money in Jersey and other British dependencies, such as Lewis Hamilton, Nicole Kidman, Harvey Weinstein and, er, the cast of Mrs Brown’s Boys.

However, travellers have been warned to expect one of the highest concentrations of murders in the world for such a small land mass, a rate that is second only to the area around Midsomer Norton in Somerset. Although local sleuth Jim Bergerac has been praised for his efforts at stemming criminality, criticism for his abject failure in detecting mass corporate tax evasion under his nose has led to a return to alcoholism for the detective.

Hundreds of Page 3 girls were seen fleeing from The Sun offices today. It is thought some may have escaped from their captors while others were freed as The Mail Online closed in on its territory. The two groups have recently been engaged in a fierce battle, forcing The Sun to retreat to the moral high-ground.

One witness described the scene as ‘chaos’ as the girls, many of them emaciated, half-clothed and barely out of childhood, ran from the paper’s headquarters in Fleet Street and were bundled into nearby taxis. Nothing is known of the fate of a smaller number of Page 7 fellas previously abducted from various stripping dance troupes, who remain missing.

It is widely feared that their cruel masters had forced many girls to convert to blonde. The police said the former captives will be treated by psychologists and beauticians to achieve normalisation, though those worst affected by the brainwashing process may be dropped into Celebrity Big Brother as a ‘halfway house’ to ease them slowly back into obscurity.

The Sun has long used Page 3 girls as hostages, demanding successive governments give them special privileges and immunity from prosecution in cases of phone hacking and threatening to humiliate the models further if their demands are not met – possibly by forcing them into pop careers. However, others had argued that the topless stunnas are merely a front for the more serious crime of pun-running.

The tabloid has been releasing a photo of one model each day smiling mockingly at the camera, along with information extracted through interrogation, such as her likes and dislikes, where she plans to go on holiday and what she thinks of the budget statement. However, a leading psychologist said: ‘Although they claim to be being treated well, this is classic Stockholm syndrome.’

The Association of Softcore Pornographers has denounced The Sun, claiming it ‘has nothing to do with the work of the vast indecent majority of leering sleazy photographers’. In Parliament, David Cameron also condemned the tabloid, reiterating his government’s policy of not giving in to the demands of kidnappers, and claiming he only ever bought it for the football.

Millions of parents are set to face an awkward conversation this Christmas as they reveal to their kids that the retail giant Toys ‘R’ Us is not real.

Though its full origins are shrouded in mystery, it is thought the toy conglomerate as we know it today derived from stories of Saint Geoffrey, a fourth century priest who was well-known for distributing items to the poor within a competitive price structure. He was later killed when rival cleric Bishop Walmart stretched his neck on a rack, an image which still persists in depictions of him today. This altercation led to his recognition as the first “Walmartyr”.

In death, he was hallowed by the Catholic Church as the heavenly saint of commerce and retail parks, and stories of him persisted as yuletide legends, such as his predilection for collating lists of “rich” and “poor” children. In modern times, the store has become a fixture of the Christmas period, featured in such traditions as finding the parking space, the denial of exorbitant items, and the wailing of the many.

One parent told us: “They have an inkling that something’s amiss. They’re starting to ask questions like ‘what’s a Chapter 11 bankruptcy notice?’ and ‘how can Toys ‘R’ Us continue as an entity when faced with a global move toward online sales?’. In the past, we’ve been able to just pass it off as ‘magic’, but children have to eventually learn the truth about the manufacture/profit ratio.”

“It seems such a shame to have to break it to them”, continued the parent. “I guess we all want to believe in the existence of licenced imported products at low, low prices.”

Tropical cyclone Hurricane Orphelia is to be trialled in Scotland as a preparation for possible rollout across the UK, the Government has announced.

A Government minister told us: ‘If we look at the previous ‘no hurricanes’ system, the wealthier in society were forced to take the brunt of the winds via damage to their yachts, lost hats, and costs associated with cancelled flights, while those living in tightly-packed terrace houses remained largely oblivious. With this flat-rate hurricane we can finally hit everyone equally. However, the new system will inevitably take some ‘bedding in’, so to ensure effectiveness, the gale force winds will be directed first to Scotland, where kilt-wearing already exposes many to cold gushes of air.’

It is thought Orphelia will hit the coast of Wales, where it will be met with giant concrete wind breaks and male voice choirs, redirecting it north of the border, where it will eventually be directed back across England if the operation is considered a success. However, opponents have already organised a campaign of civil disobedience in which participants refuse to blow over or acknowledge the falling of trees.

The hurricane has already hit Ireland, forcing Stormont MPs to reconvene in an emergency session to argue over whether it should prompt an amber or green warning. Meanwhile, former President Bill Clinton has cancelled his visit, saying ‘the last time I was blown that hard I was nearly impeached.’

The Prime Minister Theresa May, who voted Conservative at this year’s general election, has batted off questions about whether she would still vote for herself again, saying she ‘doesn’t answer hypothetical questions’. During the election campaign, May claimed the UK had a ‘brighter future’ under a ‘strong and stable government’, with herself as PM. However, today she stated: ‘I voted May for good reasons at the time, but things change. The more important thing is that I am getting on with the job.’

Meanwhile, the Liberal Democrats are calling for a second general election after the details of the current government have been worked out and the public have ‘seen what they’re getting into’. Leader Vince Cable told us: ‘The public didn’t have all the information about what form the Government was going to take, and whether we would get hard or soft Tories. What we need is an election to confirm which government is to take us forward into the next general election.

Mrs May added that she could not guarantee the status of several cabinet members residing in the government and claimed that, if no deal was made within the party, thousands of Conservatives who found themselves in Labour ‘may be stuck there forever’.

A mentholated cough sweet has become bookies’ favourite for next Conservative Party leader after making an unexpected appearance at the Tory Party Conference during the Prime Minister’s speech. As Theresa May struggled to deliver her prepared text, the sweet took to the podium, prompting rapturous applause and a spontaneous standing ovation from the crowd.

One party member told us: ‘It was pretty clear the speech was going badly when even Theresa’s sepia-tinted corn-based childhood anecdotes failed to elicit the expected response, so when Cough Sweet appeared there was a sense of collective relief across the room. Even May seemed accepting of Cough Sweet’s superior charm and charisma, holding it up to the crowd as if to bask in its glow.’

Meanwhile, Labour’s Jeremy Corbyn has attacked the confectionery, saying: ‘We must remember that poor people, often with colds they caught off rich bosses and bankers, are forced to pay for this medicine at newsagents and chemists. This is the sugar-coating of Tory NHS privatisation – it’s time the government coughed up!’

The prospect of a leadership challenge before the election has been downplayed by Cabinet members. However, one unnamed ‘Cough Sweet for PM’ supporter told us: ‘Some people say awarding high office to a small lozenge is jeopardising the public, but I have no doubt that Cough Sweet has what it takes to bring the party together and woo the public. Think about it – it’s soothing, it comes in attractive wrapping, and it has a tough, resilient shell with a soft inside, exactly the qualities the Prime Minister is lacking. We know we must also appeal more to the young, and what young people don’t love sweets? Plus, Cough Sweet can appeal to Brexiteers and those in coastal constituencies, as it is literally a fisherman’s friend.’

London’s town criers have announced their intention to ‘step into the breech’, as one Bellman told us: ‘Oyez, Oyez – though we broadly oppose the silencing of the Palace of Westminster’s chimes, we are confident we can provide a suitable replacement as her Majesty’s official timekeepers to Great Britain and the Colonies.  It is essential that the people of Westminster and across the empire have regular proclamations of the time to help them get up, catch the omnibus or celebrate the passing of the Gregorian epoch.’

He added: ‘Oyez, Oyez – that the Westminster Tower shall be in repair for four years means we’ll be potentially employed until 1885.  You have to move with the times, especially with the drinking of mead becoming a popular pastime.’

While austerity continues to bite across the UK, the Conservatives have unveiled plans to release previously unspent cash known to be hidden in trees, rainbows, waterfalls and other supernatural dwellings, to invest in public services and infrastructure in Northern Ireland, so they have.

Though magic money trees have proved extremely rare, if not non-existent, in mainland UK, troves of gold are said to be common across Northern Ireland, where they have been hidden by leprechauns. The government has pledged to harvest several caches discovered only in the last few weeks for essential public use, such as heterosexual support groups, dinosaur-free children’s books and orange paint. However, some of the gold’s protectors have broken cover and are vowing to defend the hordes.

‘They’ll never get their hands on my magic money tree,’ one leprechaun known only as ‘Paddy’ told us. ‘The gold is ours, fair and square. ‘Tis always the same with humans – people think they can ransack our private crocks because as mythical fairy folk we are unrepresented in mainstream politics. It’s bad enough we have to pay tax on unoccupied rainbows, so it is.’

Traditionally, leprechaun gold has been thought to have been lifted from tourists over the years by the mischievous elves, though it is now believed to be the result of a lucrative licensing deal made with the manufacturers of the Lucky Charms breakfast cereal after sprites threatened to place a hex on the manufacturer for breach of copyright and producing racist marshmallow shapes. Over the weekend, there were dozens of reports of leprechauns laughing and dancing on or nearby rainbows, though they turned to be members of the DUP.

A government spokesman said: ‘It did seem as if increases in public spending in the UK was impossible due to the current financial climate, but it turns out there are in fact large hordes of gold lying around. It’s just that you can’t see them if you don’t believe they exist.’

Lord of the universe and carpentry wizard Jesus has resigned as leader of the Christian faith, following a furore over his belief in the Liberal Democrats.  The Lamb of God admitted that questions about his support for the former SDP and Liberal Alliance were making it impossible for him to spread his wider message of doing unto others as you would want them to do unto you whilst not masturbating.

In a carefully worded statement, he told the press ‘Every time I appear as an image in fruit or toast, I get the same questions about whether I believe that middle ground politics is a sin. Others might have handled the situation better, but no matter how many sacrifices I make I have found it impossible to remain faithful to Farron while simultaneously running a universe. I am foremost a Lib Dem and secondly a deity,’ he admitted today.

During his most recent campaign to be re-throned in Heaven for five more years, Christ had attempted to shake off the question of his political allegiances retorting: ‘We are all Lib Dems’.  Other policies he stood for included proportional representation in the legislating of commandments, the legalising of myrrh for regulated use, an increase of one Sestertius per Aureus to be given unto Caesar, the subsidising of low-carbon incense, and rejecting a ‘hard Armageddon’.

Liberal Democratism is a controversial topic among Christians after Moses refused to grant Israelites a second referendum on leaving Egypt after terms had been fully negotiated with the Pharoah. Later, God reaped vengeance upon the cities of Sodom and Gomorrah after the district ‘turned yellow’ in a landslide win against the More Praying and Self-Flagellation candidate. As a result, some believe being a Lib Dem supporter is strictly forbidden, though others claim this is too harsh and that being a Liberal Democrat is acceptable as long as you do not actively go to conferences.

The future of nudity-based television has been cast into doubt this week after its last remaining viewer has finally acquired a basic PC and broadband internet connection.  Lighthouse-keeper Steve Norris completed a successful trip to PC World last week, opting for a Dell laptop pre-installed with Windows 10 over a less portable standalone machine.

The channel first went into operation after Ofcom highlighted a need for topless girls to counterbalance the number of women appearing on television wearing clothes. The Campaign for the Preservation of Traditional Exotic Gentlemen’s Material called the channel’s demise ‘a sad day for the mildly arousing entertainment industry’, and added ‘the simple thrill of slipping a cheeky jazz mag under a Daily Telegraph at the newsagent, or sending your wife out to the shops in time for Baywatch, is slipping from living memory. It truly was a gentlemanly age.’

Steve, 46, told us: ‘I honestly had no idea that this marvellous invention existed. I guess I might dip back into the old Freeview channel on occasion for old times’ sake, though let’s face it, a bit of tit is never going to compete with the full hardcore library I now find available at my disposal – bums, fannies, the lot. Naturally, I’ll be watching it all day, then playing World of Tanks until I pass out.’

France, a country south of Britain, has elected a new leader, according to the French.

Crowds of them cheered their new President, Prime Minister, or whatever, as he waved victoriously at the crowds from well-known Gallic landmarks, expressing that this was an ‘important day for France’ – a reference to the fact that the contest is almost entirely certain to not be run again for a matter of years.The result comes after some weeks of debating topical issues, sometimes accompanied by selections of cheese and pastries, and proved a relief to many after populist opposition lady Marine Le Pen De Ma Tante drew second by some percentage points.

Relief was also felt across Britain as many cheered with happy ambivalence over what the result means for the European Union, and stood in unison to perform the traditional French shrug before enquiring whether this would at all effect the plane route to Spain.

God, the creator of the universe and leader of the Roman Catholic Church, was today asked by worshippers from a variety of faiths to add a dash of mystery to the manner in which he goes about governing the forces of nature, responding to the prayers of his followers and guiding his emissaries on Earth.

One holy man told us: ‘As we understand it, God is a ‘just let things roll’ kind of deity these days, which is fine, though in the past there was at least the odd mysterious sign, weird vision or easily misinterpreted instruction associated with events to let us know that there’s some kind of thought process going on, however hard to comprehend.’

‘There seems to be a very thin line between God’s response to natural disasters and unspeakable acts of destruction carried out in his name, and doing squat all. Don’t get me wrong, we appreciate God probably doesn’t wants to get caught up in an endless theological debate, but come on, we’ve got nothing to work with here!’

However, apologists for the Divine Creator’s recent non-hands-on approach have claimed this is the result of the constant misinterpretation of perfectly clear diktats conveyed via combustible foliage, weeping palm trees and toast likenesses.

Theologian Professor Edward Smalls told us: ‘You can’t really blame him… what starts as a simple bit of housekeeping invariably escalates into full scale holy war. In the end you’re bound to just say ‘what the hell’ and let them get on with it. How many bagels is his image expected to appear on to clarify matters?’

Prime Minister Theresa May has entered into talks with maverick election also-ran Lord Buckethead, following a night of disappointing results for the Tory leader.

A hideous wraith thought to hail from a distant planet and harbouring a monotonous robotic voice, Theresa May first encountered Lord Buckethead on the podium in Berkshire, where she promised lower taxes, and he stood on a platform of leaving the European Union by sending it into space, curbing overpopulation by vaporising planets, and ending Parliamentary gridlock by appointing himself Supreme Galactic Overlord.

Buckethead, a Midichlorian-denier, also believes in the abolition of inter-species marriage, the scrapping of subsidies for sustainable warp technologies, and the imprisonment in a two-dimensional prison crystal of arch enemy Captain Cheese Slice the Third, who came fourth in the neighbouring borough of Wokingham. Negotiations are expected to be tense, with sticking points likely to be over the fine details of the Master/Apprentice relationship.

A Conservative spokesman told us: ‘Though Mr Buckethead, having failed to win a seat, can’t give us the Parliamentary majority we need, we nonetheless envision a mutually advantageous partnership through our competent handling of the economy and his policies of mercilessly crushing all enemies before him. Together, we can offer powerful programme of strong and stable annihilation.’

He added: ‘We have our differences but he is at least less right-wing than the DUP.’

Jewish sin annuller and son of the head of the Roman Catholic Church, Jesus, has offered to launch two new pancake days as a gesture of goodwill to supporters.

The tradition developed from a Christian feast day enjoyed before the Lent fasting period, where the devout would confess their sins and abstain from meals as penance. The new days would fall in July and September, and would be open to both churchgoers and the non-religious. Pancake festivities could involve either sweet or savoury servings, there would be no restrictions on the choice or number of toppings, and pancakes may be tossed, either privately or in a race, as on traditional Shrovetides.

Christ told us, ‘I believe the hardworking people of Britain, many of whom have demanding roles in the public sector, would appreciate more opportunities to enjoy these delicious Shrove treats with their families. I’ll also be extending the offer to Catholics to enjoy pancake desserts as an alternative to ‘me biscuits’ in communion ceremonies.’

The announcement has been broadly welcomed by worshippers and gastronomes, though some have suggested the new policy might be more aimed at securing prayers in the face of completion from the Prophet Muhammad, who offers as many as 16 holy days under Islam’s lunar calendar.

When asked about whether he thought the new holidays would be a celebration of national cultural traditions, Christ told us, ‘No, it really is just about the pancakes’, adding, ‘Who doesn’t enjoy a pancake? I know I do. No? Have it your way, I’m easy. Also, gay sex – go ahead.’

Nonagenarian confectionary fan and grandfather of the more famous Charlie, ‘Grandpa’ Joe Bucket has had his Incapacity Benefit stripped after claims about his fitness for work have come under scrutiny.

The self-declared invalid, who claims to have been bed-ridden for several years, had been drawing a generous state allowance to cover living expenses in the property he shares with his family, three of whom also claim to be sick. However, investigations by DSS officers have revealed that Mr Bucket demonstrated normal levels of mobility at the gates of the confectionary giant’s factory, then undertook a lengthy tour of the facilities under the full glare of the world’s media.

An official involved in the case told us: ‘Mr Bucket was either complicit in a long-term benefits fraud, or experienced a miraculous healing of a level usually confined to the holy books. The claimant was, by all account, most sprightly on the factory tour, which involved, among other things, navigating hilly chocolate gardens and getting in and out of candy boats.’

He continued: ‘Subject to a case review, Mr Bucket will likely be required to pay back several years’ worth of allowances, plus fees, and report to his local Job Centre to register his efforts to seek employment suited to his abilities. We will, of course, be investigating the claims of several Bucket relatives.’

The fines will come as a blow to the family after being hit with a massive inheritance tax bill on the newly acquired factory, which itself is haemorrhaging cash duo to economic downturn and new laws protecting foreign-born workers. However, DSS officials said they had no sympathy for the family.

‘We suspected there was something fishy about this family all along,’ the spokesman continued. ‘They claim to be poor and sick one minute, the next minute they are hanging around with the very high maintenance daughter of the CEO of the Salt Corporation, then you blink and they own a factory. Benefits are meant to be a safety net, not some kind of golden ticket.’

President and former estate mogul Donald Trump has laid out his plans to resolve the longstanding Israel/Palestine conflict, promising a ‘two course solution’, with an equal number of holes on both sides, subject to negotiation.

Hailed as ‘an area where both Jews and Arabs can equally apply for membership’, the plans, scribbled by the President on the back of a folder, detail the course’s layout, with the bombed-out remains of Gaza repurposed as a ‘hazard’, and controversial ‘Peace Wall’ retained, with the option for players of either hitting over or round. Jerusalem’s Temple Mount itself will be developed for miniature golf use, with the addition of novelty windmills and large clown face on the Dome of the Rock.

However, the plan has already run into controversy, with militant group Hamas pledging to tunnel under Jewish bunkers and kick balls into bushes when no one is looking, while Israeli groups are drawing up plans to extend the Jews-only clubhouse into traditionally Arab teeing grounds. Religious voices on both sides have claimed that such a fairway has been prophesised in their holy books as the God-given sports and leisure facility for their own people.

Donald told the press: ‘You see these people fighting because they have no access to an 18 hole turf. The Hamas guys, they throw rocks, bottles… it’s like Nazi Germany… it’s nuts. But then they see this place, just one big fairway… we’ve got the best landscapers, the best… and they want to join.’

He added: ‘You know, terraforming a country into a golf facility was exactly what Gandhi fought for. If you watch that film, he did it, though it was my idea first.’

Yellow sprite Pacman has died while mourning his creator, Masaya Nakamur, his widow has revealed.

Pacman had a complicated relationship with the game’s designer after the arcade machine became a massive hit in the 1970s and Mr Nakamur licensed Pacman’s image to innumerable brands, taking the lion’s share of the profits.  Pacman at first enjoyed a lavish and hedonistic lifestyle, partying with the Space Invaders, but he soon complained about not being cast in other games, and felt typecast as a giant yellow mouth.

Other game characters were jealous of his success, though as his fame dimmed he took to the bottle, started not turning up for games and regularly got into fights, disappearing from public life altogether after a gorilla threw a barrel at him.  Later, he reappeared, making personal appearances in arcades and festivals, though fans just wanted to see him eat.  Attempting to relaunch his gaming career, he made numerous cameo appearances, most notably as a Pokéball.  By the late ’80s, he felt he was never given full credit for creating the rave movement.

Though the two weren’t in frequent contact, Pacman took Nakamur’s death badly, which is thought to have contributed to his decline.  However, some have called the circumstances ‘suspicious’, and four ghosts, thought to be connected, have been called in for questioning over allegations of murder.

Ms Pacman told us: ‘He was constantly eating, though he denied ever being an addict.  He took too many pills – at first they made him feel invulnerable, though the effects soon wore off.  I told him to pace himself, but in the end he didn’t know which way to turn.  He saw death round every corner, and the way ahead was a maze.  He made several suicide attempts, but always found himself back in the same situation.’

She added: ‘Though he had bouts of depression, I wouldn’t change anything about our life together, not least because he was a very passionate lover.’

The chimes of Big Ben are to stop performing together, citing ‘irreconcilable musical differences’, according to a spokesperson for the bells.  The chimes have been part of our lives for over 150 years, playing their part in Remembrance days, news broadcasts and New Years’ festivities, with such popular peals as 1 O’Clock, 10 O’Clock and Midnight.  However, it’s now been revealed they haven’t effectively spoken to each other since 1976, and only work together to fulfil contractual obligations.

The much-loved band were taking a break from playing, ostensibly for ’renovations’ to take place in the Westminster clock tower, though sources close to the clock have claimed the hiatus to be part of an ever-growing rift between the chimes.  Fans have commented that the chimes have in recent years lost their way, with Bong regularly ‘jumping in’ regardless of what Bing is doing, and even playing at totally different times in the hour.  Frequently, Bing has been heard to complain he ‘didn’t like Bong’s tone’.

A message posted on their official web site reads: ‘As you have probably already heard, the chimes have tolled for the last time. Though no one knows what the future holds, we are united in saying it’s been an amazing 150-year ride, and we couldn’t have done it without you, the fans.  Stay tuned, and stay awesome!’  An insider told us: ‘This has come as a blow to us, though it’s no surprise. At last year’s New Years’ celebrations, Bong refused to go past 5 and had to be coaxed by revellers into completing the year.  Sometimes they seem to be in entirely different time zones.  Bing has long been jealous over Bong’s celebrity as the major part of the News at Ten theme and additional royalties he receives for additional chimes required in late evenings.’

He added: ‘It’s well-known for years that Bing has wanted to break free and pursue other projects, such as completing his musical based on the early days of the Whitechapel Foundry and collaborating with Mike Oldfield in a follow-up to his Tubular Bells album.’

The news has been greeted with panic across London, with many locals unsure how they are going to know what time of day it is, while Radio 4 announcers are having to rely on when they feel ready for an afternoon snooze to know when to broadcast the first Archers of the day.  Meanwhile, ITV’s News at Ten will be temporarily rebranded as News at Ten-ish.  All future performances have been cancelled, with fans and tourists promised a full refund.  However, rumours persist that they have both already secretly signed up for a lucrative comeback tour of greatest peals in 2020.

Events have been taking place across the country to mark a week since the news broke about David Cameron and the Piers Gaveston society, with celebrations honouring the many different ways in which ordinary people communicated the fact that the Prime Minister had sex with a dead pig’s face.

It was a week in which the nation was overcome by a sense of joie de vivre, sharing jokes and routines, games and even songs about prime ministerial porcine bestality. Even those with no particular comedic skills were able to pitch in, by posting pictures of pigs, the Prime Minister, the Prime Minister with pigs, and saying the words “David Cameron face-fucked a pig”.

Many dressed in authentic September 2015 styles and held street parties in which children enjoyed pork and sausage sandwiches, while adults exchanged memories and recounted their favourite gags from the period. In rural areas, new folk traditions were born as villagers dressed as pigs and Prime Ministers and performed intricate courtship dances. Some even honoured the occasion by retiring behind a bush to re-enact the moment when David Cameron face-fucked a pig.

However, there was a more sombre side to the event, as wreaths were placed at the monument to the Unknown Pig, a representation of the porker who gave its life in order to be enjoyed by the Prime Minister and later provide joy for so many commentators during an otherwise sparse period of austerity.

A festival organiser said: ‘We know that it’s only a matter of weeks before the Cameron Pig Joke Armistice will be signed and the story will become a distant but fond memory like all those horse meat jokes, but it’s important to remember the sense of inclusivity it generated for a period – ironically one which neither this or any other Prime Minister has been able to achieve before.’

‘Even the lowliest social media user played their part, for even their minor contribution helped lower the nation’s comedy bar so that others might leap magnificently over it,’ she added. Meanwhile, all of Britain’s satirical news websites announced that they will be winding down their activities by the end of October because, you know, what’s the point really?

Teenage girls quivered with sexy excitement as they awaited their age of consent results yesterday. Many gathered together in schools and sixth form colleges to receive their results in person before the gathered throng of male reporters and photographers. The build-up was tremulous and full of anticipation, then the relief and exhilaration came as many wept, hugged and leapt in the air in waves of long-awaited sexual release.

A head teacher said: ‘It’s truly delightful to see so many of these nubile adolescents in one place celebrating their new-found attainability. The last few months of term is a stressful time for male teachers, so when this time arrives it feels a great relief to finally ‘feel OK about it’.’

Coverage of teenage girls at this time of year has increased year on year for the last decade, with little sign of it waning, though many people claim that this is because they are getting easier

Dozens of the nation’s puppets have today spoken about their years of suffering in the hands of ventriloquist Keith Harris, in the wake of his death this week. The entertainer, known for his appearances on such family-friendly shows as Crackerjack, Seaside Special and The Black and White Minstrel Show, was a stalwart of British TV in the 70’s and 80’s, though many of those he worked with now claim his slick stage act hid a darker side.

‘Once you were his grip it was very difficult to escape’, said former co-star Cuddles. ‘His hands were everywhere. He controlled everything – what you said, where you went. If you did anything wrong he would put you in the box for several days, despite your protestations.’

‘When we did go out there would be all these other ventriloquists, and they would start to pass you around. All the other puppets were there: Nookie, Lord Charles, even some of the Thunderbirds. Harris became known as ‘Smiler’ because of his grimace when he handled you. Sometimes he was so nonchalant he would even drink a glass of water.’

However, the worst treatment was saved for Orville, who worked with him on and off for over 50 years.  ‘I was barely out of the egg when I first met him,’ he explained. ‘He would tell you he could get you on TV and bribed you with seed. Once the abuse started, he would ensure you remained speechless. I realised now he was keeping me in a prolonged state of infancy, unable to even go to the toilet on my own.’

‘I just wanted to fly, right up to the sky… but it proved impossible.’

‘Complicated’ rock vocalist Axl Rose is to step in to complete the unfinished tours of several recently dead performers, including Prince, David Bowie and Victoria Wood. He has also announced plans to expand into the worlds of acting and light entertainment by taking up Alan Rickman’s most recent role with the Royal Shakespeare Company, and completing Paul Daniels’ interrupted national tour of comedy and magic, though plans to replace Ronnie Corbett on the charity golf circuit were abandoned ‘by mutual consent’.

Rose said: ‘It’s a great burden to have on your shoulders, especially with the sheer number of performers we have lost recently, but the fans mustn’t be disappointed.’ However, fans of the Guns ‘n’ Roses frontman will be relieved to hear he won’t be abandoning his own trademark stage antics.

‘These performers were inimitable. No one wants to see me aping other performers’ styles and stealing their stage gimmicks of turning up within four hours of the show’s scheduled start, not fighting with members of the audience and making it to the end of the set without storming off stage,’ he explained.

The singer has already caused some controversy when, at one of his Victoria Wood shows, he performed Wood’s classic song ‘The Ballad of Barry and Freda’ with a liberal sprinkling of ‘F’ words and changed the lyrics in order to offend most minority groups. His liberal interpretation of the lyric ‘Bend me over backwards on a hostess trolley’ has also led to a series of complaints by distraught groupies.

Rose had also received criticism for replacing singer Brian Johnson in the Australian rock group AC/DC after Johnson left due to hearing problems. When the band was contactd to ask their views on his contribution, they said that they were unable to comment since Rose has already bought the rights to the AC/DC name and replaced all remaining members with his own musicians.

Dear Respected One,

Permit me to express my deep sadness at the passing of Ray Tomlinson, the esteemed inventor of the email.

In my role as rightful heir to the Nigerian throne, Mr Tomlinson’s electronic mail system has been an invaluable asset, and one only made greater by the fact that due to political machinations, I am now forced to live away from my people. Without email, keeping in contact with creditors and banking contacts would be nigh impossible – a problem which is particularly pertinent to me as I have amassed vast personal fortune of several millions of dollars. Mr Tomlinson’s communications system has allowed me to make arrangements to transfer that fund to an offshore bank account, though how ironic that that cache remains inaccessible without the assistance of a foreign agent.

Few of us will forget the time we created our first email address, composed our first email, and sent it into the aether! Now it is very much part of how we all live and work, helping us to keep in touch with concubines, communicate with other monarchs or arrange the release of vast sums of money. Alas, due to a curse placed on the banking sector by an amalgamation of homosexual witches and Boko Haram soldiers, it has been impossible to release my own funds without the assistance of a foreign agent. Sir, we are honourably seeking your assistance in the following ways:

1. To provide a Bank account where this money would be transferred to.

2. Pay a small release fee to facilitate transfer of the cash through international channels.

For this generous assistance, we are willing to offer you 15% of the fortune as compensation for effort after the successful transfer of these funds, as well as access to the concubines.

Anticipating to hear from you soon.

Prince Hantambo Bogodo-Bogodo

hantambo_bogodo_bogodo51@gmail.com

An enormous stack of used notes owned by Rupert Murdoch today confessed to experiencing jitters over its marriage to former model Jerry Hall, saying it wasn’t sure at first whether Hall’s feelings were real, or whether her true motivation was more to do with a romantic attraction to the media mogul.

‘I can’t say it would be the first time’, the sentient legal tender told us. ‘Things are very difficult for us currencies – you can never be absolutely certain someone’s motives are entirely and genuinely financial. We all like to think we know true greed, but being associated with a lothario like Rupert complicates things. You never know who’s going to be a relationship-digger, biding their time, waiting for your value to collapse. It doesn’t help when it’s well known you have a weak exchange rate.’

It added: ‘If I’m going to be taken advantage of, I’d rather have uncomplicated nights of unbridled commerce with anonymous spendthrifts – at least they make you feel valued.’

The confession comes as more and more piles of money are today choosing to forge pre-transaction agreements, ensuring that in the case of a split, the partner will forgo any right to affectionate looks, fond memories or other romantic assets accumulated during the relationship.

However, the Murdoch fortune remains upbeat about the marriage: ‘I know Jerry’s had her eye on me for ages and I’ve followed her through her work in modelling, her acting projects and her former marriage to Mick Jagger. I’m as convinced as I could be that Jerry is the one.’ Many members of the public remain cynical, however. ‘I’ll give his money six months,’ said one. ‘At least I bloody hope so.’

Thousands of young people who regularly attend church in the UK may be vulnerable to feelings of mild interest, according to a report released today.  The report reveals that, while the mainstream Christianity message remains suitably bland, some are using the internet to read Bible stories, or have bought their own copies of The Bible from stores such as Waterstones.

This has inexorably lead them to joining choirs and visiting Christian bookshops, while several hundred are feared to be making plans to travel abroad to do voluntary work.  On online forums, DVDs of Highway to Heaven and Songs of Praise are regularly exchanged. Some young Christians have been spotted on Twitter posing with Bibles, wearing Christian badges and brandishing crosses, posting such messages as, ‘a God-created universe seems more likely’, ‘some things in the Bible might not be metaphors’, and ‘Christianity is my favourite of the Abrahamic religions’.

Anglican Priest Rev Andrew Morrissey said: ‘I remember some of these kids in my congregation. We tried our hardest to drive any spark of theological curiosity out of them, but their interest had already grown into a mild sense of wonder at the natural world. The word ‘sacrifice’ was often used. They talked about people going the either Heaven or Hell. One told me that one day the world was going to end – you know, crazy stuff.’

Meanwhile, the Catholic Church strongly denies their masses may have been infiltrated by actual believers, insisting that they have long exercised a strict policy of mumbling in Latin to ensure nothing makes any kind of sense.  After emergency meetings, the main churches in the UK released this joint statement: ‘This is obviously the last thing we expected, and a twisted view of what Christianity really represents, which is a series of quaint but unfathomable rituals on the way to Homebase.’

‘It is imperative we intervene with these kids and recondition them back into a state of total boredom by reading them some of the longer genealogies from the Old

After a number of chocolate bar brands have been withdrawn from sale following the discovery of plastic parts in the sweetmeats, Police have appealed for help to capture of the suspects.

In a statement, Scotland Yard said: ‘We will not Fudge the issue; these kinds of people are Bournvillains, and this one Mingles with some of the hardest in the criminal fraternity and Revels in his ability to inflict harm on the public.’

‘The suspect entered the Mars factory in the late afternoon claiming he was a worker, though the guard suspected he was Lion. He quickly spoiled the batch, made for the Mini Eggsit and escaped in the Double Decker.’

‘He had an effeminate manner, recognisable by his Extra Strong Mints, though the Fruit Drops his voice when approached. We’ve heard a Wispa he’s part of a Trio. We get Allsorts of scum and villainy here; our advice is to search for the Heroes inside yourselves to tell the police if you see anything suspicious.’

A witness to the crime spoke on the Topic: ‘I am not a Flake. I saw one of them emerge from a Green and Black van and make for the factory. It’s no Picnic in this part of town, and this used to be a Quality Street.’

A Bounty has been placed on the heads of the culprits.

Schoolchildren from a South London primary school have entered the county of Wiltshire, and are heading toward Stonehenge, according to reports. The group, from Park Hill Juniors, Bermondsey, whose ages range from 6-10, are scheduled to arrive at the World Heritage site by early afternoon, after striking a succession of other tourist attractions during their half term excursion.

The unruly pupils have blazed a trail across the region, leaving decimated gift shops and traumatised elderly museum staff in their wake. Several service stations close to the site are thought to have fallen, with witnesses describing the scenes as ‘like a warzone’, while a Staines Burger King, wrecked earlier today, was declared ‘irreplaceable’.

Resident Stonehenge expert Professor Edward Murray told us: ‘We may be in luck and find their intentions are to use the neolithic structure as a large adventure playground, and not view the site as heretical in nature. Unfortunately, the group’s earlier raids have been seen to involve the destruction of just about anything pre-dating their reign of terror, with the group’s leader calling for sacrifices to appease their newly-constructed Spongebob deity.’‘

It may not be of high economic significance, but everyone knows that if Stonehenge falls, Stapleford Shopping Village will shortly follow.’

Worshippers of the gods of tinkering, pottering and fixing up have pledged to oppose moves to extend church opening times and to defend Sundays as a ‘designated day for hardware-based activities.

’Rev Stephen ‘Bodger’ Davis of the Church of the Holy Dremmel, said: ‘Sunday are sacred to us. There’s plenty of time throughout the week to pray to Christ and sing hymns – no-one needs an extra half day. We accept that not everyone goes to the hardware store week in, week out, but we have to remember that this is still a DIY-worshipping nation. Unless our traditions are maintained, children will soon have no idea what decking was or why the Ground Force Trinity were so important.

’Davis added that DIY-ians understand that Sunday churches can be convenient and only a few fundamentalist extremist have any objection to small convenience chapels staying open on Sunday for those who have forgotten to pray about something on the Saturday. However, they remain firm in their belief that the world was assembled in six days, and invoiced on the seventh.

The Church of the Holy Dremmel is made up of a number of sects who see themselves as interchangeable rotary attachments on one eternal powertool, and believe that only by serving the Designer according to his plans will we be able to join him in The Project that Never Completes. It emerged in the past three decades after a schism from the Reformed Church of Washing the Car, with both sides regarding each other as heretics, even though many worshippers happily alternate between the

Current laws dictate that while churches may open on the Sabbath, priests cannot be made to work. However, some claim priests are put under pressure to conduct sermons when their real desire is to purchase garden furniture at a 40% discount. The Church of England and Roman Catholic church have strongly opposed the campaign, arguing that we are now living in a multi-hobby society reflecting a myriad of activities and pastimes, before adding ‘we have to make money somehow’.

In a landmark TV event, the 31st anniversary of EastEnders will be marked with the live televised murder of a major character and the actor who plays them, according to the show’s producers.

After the murder scene, the ensuing arrival of real police and subsequent arrests will be cleverly woven into the drama, while real convicted East End gangsters will be scattered in with the extras in order to add some extra unpredictability and menace to the proceedings.

It is thought the slaying will form the climax of a month of live hour-long nightly episodes, which will see the return of a multitude of former EastEnders murderers and murderees in a storyline loosely based around a jellied eel convention.The shows will also feature multiple births, weddings, births at weddings and theft of Christmas Club funds, and will be teased for several months in advance on BBC1, BBC2 and CBeebies.

Fans and bloggers are already speculating over the identity of the killer, with Ian Beale taking an early lead as the only character certain to have not left the show in the intervening time, while Nick Cotton is considered highly likely to have recovered from his own murder in time to ‘settle some old scores’ back in the Square.

The cast will not be briefed beforehand on the choice of culprit or victim, except for the murderer themselves, who will be informed minutes before shooting begins. Early production scripts have already been encoded in rhyming slang to further protect the storyline’s dramatic revelations.However, if anyone is able to get access to a leaked script, their luck is out – producers have already promised to arrange to murder two other cast members in scenes to be shot simultaneously on the night to combat press spoilers.

British astronaut Tim Peake has submitted an invoice to the International Space Station’s finance office to cover travel and time spent on-site, to the tune of several million pounds.

Mr Peake insisted that he charges a flat rate per project before labour and materials, regardless of work completed, and that Mission Control would have known this if they had requested an estimate.

The tradesman, who advertises his availability for aeronautical systems maintenance, low orbit engineering and boiler installation, claimed that as the work was cut short by a faulty spacesuit provided by the client, it was therefore ‘not his problem’. He also insisted further work would be put on hold while they ‘wait for parts’.

Mr Peake has since left the space station for a job in Crawley, while a team of cheaper Eastern European astronauts have flown in to complete the project

Revenge fantasies have been dashed today after it was revealed that all those who bullied you at school now have pretty good lives, and are not begging on the street or trapped in dead-end jobs after all.

The new survey reveals that, despite their lack of formal qualifications from school, many have worked their way up and found highly aspirational careers using exactly those skills they gained pushing you around and laughing at your inadequacies.

‘It seems all those years heading of a gang of thugs has honed their leadership abilities’, Professor James Hawkes, who led the survey, told us. ‘These are vital life skills simply not provided by years in Higher Education.’

‘While you were quietly plotting your future in media marketing and wondering how you might possibly engineer an introduction to the shy, attractive student across the lecture theatre, your bully was having regular, uncomplicated liaisons with the woman you first fell in love with, without a second’s thought to what happened to you.’

‘Moreover, the dinner money they took from you was successfully invested in their power structure and not squandered on heroin as you secretly hoped. This brought them financial security while making them more popular than your wildest imaginings.’

‘All in all, the fear of failure, as represented by you, has taught them to maximise every opportunity, while the dinner money you pathetically handed over has taught them the real value of wealth.’

However, it’s not all bad news, as social media now provides a level playing field for everyone to bully everyone else. ‘In fact, trolling works better the more successful and famous a person has become’ confirmed Professor Hawkes, who, shortly after speaking to the press was accused on Twitter of being a close friend of Prince Andrew.